Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.