Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.