[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.