Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Europe. Made in Germany.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??