@marcusparkersol: Using the toilet on the airplane means I'm certified to teach yoga now.
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@TuffyNyC: If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could've probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.
@Fred_Delicious: [Girlfriend looks at me in disgust] "Did u just propose using emojis?" ... "Technically its called a propoji, but yes" [She's already gone]
@Sweet_Leafs_: I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
@meganamram: "Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires" - Smokey the NRA Bear