I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me in tagged photos
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that