USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
ibopfufen
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.