Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?