@WilliamAder: Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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@Papa_Mex: Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don't realize how bad it is for their health.....until I'm choking them
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.
@Sickayduh: "Happy birthday! " - Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait... Did you get me a fake diamond? "Well, it's not really your 29th birthday either"