@Mr_Kapowski: Usually when I try to be slick and say "keep the change," the money I've handed over doesn't cover what I'm trying to purchase
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@Owl_Meat: *puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
@velweb: My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight. She told me, "DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!" I'm considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
@rzarosco: "We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys" said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
@david8hughes: [at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor