Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Damn what did I do next
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.