Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
It be like that sometimes 😆
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”