Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.