[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later