me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.