[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
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Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.