Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.