It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
You Might Also Like
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.