*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean