Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life