Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.