Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
necessity is the mother of invention
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!