@daemonic3: Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don't realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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@mimicz: Guy: I don't deserve you. Girl: Awwwww...you're so sweet... Guy: I don't mean that in a good way.
@sarousti: Definition of Insomnia: Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it's gone
@PaulyPeligroso: To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.