Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.