Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”