This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?