VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.