Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?