VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.