@Curt__Burt: Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I'm just sad to hear about him
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@BrettDruck: I posted "I did it!!!" to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
@TheHyyyype: CASHIER: what, no tip? ME: here's a tip: always wear a seat belt CASHIER: no, i meant money ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
@FlyoverJoel: The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.