Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.