[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.