Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Batman v Dracula
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
In space, no one can hear…
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden