VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
You Might Also Like
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Worst bar ever.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Did my cat write this
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.