[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
You Might Also Like
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby