I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
You Might Also Like
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105