@PaperWash: Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
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@matt___nelson: [Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] "I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"
@JohnHilsen: My "friend" Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, "Adam."
@theshantilly: Non-tweeting friend: "So it's like FB?" Me: "Except everyone's mean & sarcastic & brutally honest." "Sounds awf..." "Awesome. I know."
@LeBearGirdle: Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That's right, wolves.