Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
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Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today