video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history