Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence