Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
spot the difference
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.