VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Facebook Twitter
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Natty or not?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires