“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?