Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Oops
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.