@HatfieldAnne: When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@dulcetry: I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

@shwebby3: Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor's front yard

@Hellaphantitis: Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I'm not the kinda guy who'll kiss intel

@IntoxicaTweeted: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.