“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
New comic up. “Ransom”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.