@DeepDarkFear: "Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.

@jess_stratton: Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

@AndDesist: I accept your apology. Can I borrow your phone? I need to cancel the hit I put out on you.

@MUMSIEesq: CASHIER: This bag of chips is open ME: Yup C: This bag of candy is open M: Yup C: This bag of-- M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open

@Parentpains: When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.