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@Jam453Lane: Vodka doesn't care about your 70's bush...
@HammerFist3: Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
@michael_raphone: [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
@ericsshadow: Even the stick figure woman on my wife's back window has a headache.
@nalex470: I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole nother level.
@WhatevaConc: If you're wearing sunglasses & it's not at all sunny out, you can't get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.