“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.