[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Happy weekend !
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
God, I love Scotland
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first