[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
How about daylight saves us for once
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Called it
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.