[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast