VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat