ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.