Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me trying to look natural in photos
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”