Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Oh we’ve met.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.