VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
channeling her this year
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: