VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.